In recent times, ‘staying who you are’ and ‘not changing for anyone’ have become popular notions. This idea of ‘not changing’ has gathered more patrons especially in the context of ‘women after marriage’. The feminist movement has passionately promoted this for empowering women.
I am not entirely comfortable with this concept which is nothing short of extremely aggressive at worst and utopian at best (on paper). Yes, it makes a nice slogan for marketers, but I guess it’s merely that. It started from the point ‘don’t change to please anyone’ but now it has simply become ‘you don’t need to change at all’.
Firstly, it is not entirely practical.
Secondly, it is not the right way of living.
Before I move forward and try to convince you with my side of the argument, let me sympathize with my fellow human beings from the other planet – men. Yes, perhaps most men seem not to be making any ‘compromises’ and ‘sacrifices’ for their partners; this cannot be entirely true, and applicable for everyone. Therefore, let’s just agree to make this narrative about both men and women from here onwards. Infact let’s extend it for all genders and all type of relationships.
Okay, let’s now talk about why I have a problem with the concept of ‘not changing’, especially in the context of relationships (and marriages).
- It is not practical
The underlying premise of a relationship is that the two people in it like each other. When you like someone, you like their small things as well – such as their thought process, their manners, their style, taste, habits and perhaps their entire lifestyle. People either get attracted to someone who have certain complementing qualities to theirs or to someone with certain contrast qualities to theirs or both.
We all subconsciously want that person who would in some sense ‘completes’ us. While ‘completes us’ is a bullshit concept in itself, we do want that person who adds value in our lives (love, respect, money, status, care, companionship, or simply bodily pleasures – whatever value we might be seeking).
In such a case, rubbing off on each other is very natural. Our lives might get synced up with the other person’s life. For eg: If you do not have a habit of staying up until late at night but your partner does, there is a chance that you might form this new nasty habit. While the vice versa could also be true.
My point here is that it is not possible to not change at all. Did you change for the other person? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe you just changed with the other person. Perhaps it just happened without you even realizing it.
Extrapolating this further, when two people live with each other, the chances of changing to adapt to each other’s lifestyle is very much probable and more common than what you’d like to believe.
I can give you plenty of scenarios where you would happily want to change some parts of your lifestyle for your partner, not just because you love them and care for them, but also its most practical. I see nothing wrong in that.
2. ‘Not Changing’ is Not the Right Way to Live
The problem with pushing the narrative of ‘not changing oneself’ is problematic because it has been pushed too far. It is stopping people from learning and evolving into better beings.
What if you have some bad habits? What if you are a mean person? Why is it being normalized that it is cool to be mean because ‘hum to aise hain bhaiya! And hum kisi ke liye nahi badlenge’? The narrative is being pushed so much that from a young age people are determined not to change.
What if your partner is simply a better human being than you are because of better life experiences?
Eg: Since your childhood, you have experienced that shouting at each other is the only way to express disagreement. But when you shout at your partner, he/she doesn’t give you the taste of your own medicine. Instead he/she calms you down, even pampers you a tad more. Should you change yourself and become more like them?
What if your partner has a nasty habit of not cleaning their own things? What if your partner smokes so much cigarette that their lungs might give up? What if they have such a sedentary lifestyle that they might develop heart related risks? Would you not want them to change?
If there is something that your partner is better at, or if there are some skills that you could have learnt which would make you more efficient, I don’t see why we should stay stagnated in our own cocoons?
So, what am I proposing?
I am almost convinced that this narrative, of never learning from people around you, stops us from becoming better. Yes, loving oneself is crucial. But isn’t evolving into a more powerful being a part of self-love?
It is irritating how ‘staying the same’ and ‘not changing anything about you’ is so superficial and supports all sort of bad habits. You pick any story woven around this, it will only talk about not changing your clothes, your drinking/smoking habits, your habit of not cooking your meals and your nature of being rude. No one talks about other important things that couples change for each other.
I feel it is absolutely normal and justified to change for your partner. What is not acceptable is your partner trying to change you. What is not normal is people judging you because you didn’t want to change some aspect of your life (now that you are married).
Let’s not make women (and the oppressed gender) the villain of this whole negative narrative. I feel this whole concept tries to pin the burden of ‘not changing’ on women (read oppressed). It also villainizes everyone who might be our well-wishers.
It also puts extra pressure, a new burden of ‘staying the same’ where if you don’t abide by it, the women community might look down upon you and even consider you an outcast.
The choice to change or not to change must be personal, independent of the other person’s or the society’s (read advertisers) will. The power is not in staying the same. The power is in making the right choice for oneself.
Also, when two people start a relationship, they must become one team – partners in life. They must learn and change to complement, support and strengthen not just themselves but each other as well.
Don’t mistake me for promoting being dependent on each other. By all means, be independent. But do not take each other for granted just to prove a point to the fake world where even empowerment is a commodity.
I propose that let’s change the narrative to ‘become more acceptable of the one you love’ than asking people to ‘not change’.
DM me for having a more detailed conversation about this topic 😊